need a bit oif urgent help

[Guest theokoles]

On 6/6/2019 at 11:17 PM, Hopsarecannabistoo said:

dont get me wrong i enjoy weed, helps mew with my RAd ( a type of PTSD which is particulalry violent and dangerous

 

Sorry to hear about your difficulties mate, I'd not heard of RAD until now, a quick look at some literature tells me that RAD isn't a form of PTSD, there appear to be overlaps though? i'm sure there are similar issues/difficulties with both diagnosis though. I only mention this as i'm interested myself, i have to see an expert clinical psychiatrist on weds as part of an ongoing legal case, its a 3 hour appointment. i'm hoping that because this psychiatrist is an expert in child abuse and neglect and has wrote hundreds of reports for the courts that I'll get some clarity over my complex diagnosis and RAD has got my attention. Its quite difficult to get a diagnosis from a psychiatrist for PTSD although doctors seem to label people with it willy nilly and often conflate nervous shock with PTSD.

 

For some reason psychiatrists are laboring under the impression that you have to have suffered a life threatening incident to qualify for a diagnosis of PTSD, as oppose to years of child trauma neglect and abuse feckless idiots in my experience. A grown man joins the forces and may get shot but survives, and suffers some flashbacks and he may well qualify for a diagnosis of PTSD, a child suffers years of trauma, neglect and abuse and because it wasn't "life threatening" shrinks don't like giving out the PTSD diagnosis, its a joke, i'd laugh if it wasn't so pathetic. I hope this shrink is better, hopefully she will be fighting my corner.

 

Sorry for going slightly OT, i know what its like to live with paranoia, its something I've been trying to deal with a long time..i'm getting better but can relate to your anxiety and panic.

[Hopsarecannabistoo]

It's weird. When I smoke cannabis. It's like my head cleared. The thoughts of my adopted parents dying and leaving me all alone in the world vanish, the thoughts of trying to kill people I know vanish, the thoughts of tryo g to punish myself and the self doubts go away as does tbe murderous rage I sometimes feel and the wanting to hurt anuone that gets close to me and ruin their lives go and hurt them like I was rejected and hurt. Its like a dog lifts from my my mind and the paranoia of thinking everyone is laughing and mocking me and that theh really only pretend to like me disappears. I can the  think clearly, although it does drain me of my motivation somewhat, it's a trade. But when I hear that when people are high theh get giggly or laughy I dont have that it just makes me a lot less sad.  It feels to me when stoned or high, like I'm drunk. Not massively drunk it's just like being tipsy but with a clear head. Is the best way to describe it. I thought I'd try to smoke loads and see what happened and it felt no different Than smoking g a bit. I started talking to someone down south that had rad for support and hers made her fall out  with her adopted parents and become homeless and she decided she wanted to murder some people I think it was social services I not sure so she got a knife and was foing to do it but I believe someone stopped her and helped her see that it was the RAD talking. In the UK there are vinyl a handful of people that are trained to deal with rad. Unfortunately none live by me, but my case did get bumped up so the head of psychology felt with me for many mo ths till I stopped going to appointments when he said it was getting near the end. I have a fear of completing things 

Edited June 8, 2019 by Hopsarecannabistoo

[Hopsarecannabistoo]

I'm 37 and would like to get a place of my own but what holds me back is my rad. The minute any of my adopted parents leave to go shopping or go out to visit my sister or leave my sight or I go out I keep thinking they are going to die and leave me all alone in this world, and so I cant leave them. Rsd cant be cured in adults if you read up on it there are two key times in life when it can be sorted and I've missed those I'd like to have my own business. I got arrested but not charged for plotting to kill someone and using g revenge porn photos I found online to get irate the more y to do it bjt stopped when it meant I'd never see my parents again hense why I deleted and destroyed everything and a year later the police turned up and arrested me, I dont want a repeat of that. I want to own a bar and pay taxes and be normal. I tried to have a relationship once and it lasted 2 years but I mentally and emotionally abused her and in the end I walked away for her own good. She didnt deserve any of it and in my head I was screaming at myself to stop cos I hated doing it so it seems really cruel to me  that this works but yet I am a criminal for using it. And I want to help people. That's why I'm helping my mum who has cancer atm and my neighbor's who is terminally I'll. I want to make amends for the bad I've done Ndnthe cannabis makes mensee clearly that I was wrong

[Guest theokoles]

I know all too well of those feelings of murderous rage and vengeance, Ive had god awful intrusive thoughts about torturing to death my foster parents and a couple of others that caused my sisters and me so much harm..thankfully my foster fathers dead otherwise, i doubt i would have the restraint. Id capture him take him somewhere video it and torture him with a hammer, nails, wood plain and anything else that took my fancy.. well, i feel that way but weather or not i'd have actually acted them out is a different matter. I'm told by therapists that these feelings are completely normal and understandable and that has helped me rationalize and contextualize those thoughts as a normal response to the abuse we suffered, so that's some comfort and it has helped minimize those intrusive thoughts greatly.

 

There's some horrible people in this world mate that will take advantage of you given half the chance, Ive had friends and girl friends take me for a fool, which i was. Use me for my generosity and kind nature, completely take the piss, then when the party's over or the moneys ran out they are gone and never gave a fuck about you in the first place..But not everyone's like that, there are good people out there genuine folk that care. It took me a long time to find good genuine people and most if not all of my friends that Ive made over the past few years know my history and circumstances and i feel completely at ease with them and no paranoia when i'm with them, well very little, it still creeps in but mostly its just fear of being completely blind and some idiot doing something that puts me at risk of losing the sight in my one good eye so i'm hyper vigilant of that..

 

Cannabis for me helps me forget to some extent, it lifts my spirits and distracts me from my past and ongoing issues like this case that's been dragging on for ages. I can game with my console when i'm high but have no interest otherwise, same with music, i don't bother unless i'm high. Iv'e got my hands full with gardening so that's a great benefit both physically and mentally for me. i find any kind of hobby is a brilliant coping strategy and can help the healing process. I'm not a heavy cannabis user iv'e not grown in a few years but starting soon hopefully meanwhile i get the occasional Q but to be honest i'd rather not, i don't like going to my old town to score a feckless Q, its embarrassing at my age, so i go without, im a bit of a stubborn fucker like that.

[Guest theokoles]

40 minutes ago, Hopsarecannabistoo said:

I'm 37 and would like to get a place of my own but what holds me back is my rad. The minute any of my adopted parents leave to go shopping or go out to visit my sister or leave my sight or I go out I keep thinking they are going to die and leave me all alone in this world, and so I cant leave them. Rsd cant be cured in adults if you read up on it there are two key times in life when it can be sorted and I've missed those I'd like to have my own business. I got arrested but not charged for plotting to kill someone and using g revenge porn photos I found online to get irate the more y to do it bjt stopped when it meant I'd never see my parents again hense why I deleted and destroyed everything and a year later the police turned up and arrested me, I dont want a repeat of that. I want to own a bar and pay taxes and be normal. I tried to have a relationship once and it lasted 2 years but I mentally and emotionally abused her and in the end I walked away for her own good. She didnt deserve any of it and in my head I was screaming at myself to stop cos I hated doing it so it seems really cruel to me  that this works but yet I am a criminal for using it. And I want to help people. That's why I'm helping my mum who has cancer atm and my neighbor's who is terminally I'll. I want to make amends for the bad I've done Ndnthe cannabis makes mensee clearly that I was wrong

 

Its really brave of you to be so honest mate, no shame in those feelings, I've been somewhat at the other end where I've been emotionally abused by a couple of partners in the past, but being traumatized and in a vulnerable place, you just don't recognize its emotional abuse and after 2 years of pulling my hair out, i called the police to have her removed from my flat and good riddance to the horrible controlling cow. It still took me several years to realize i was in an abusive relationship after it ended..

 

With regards to vengeance, like i said, revenge is normal emotion for trauma and abuse/neglect victims so don't beat yourself up about what you did, i doubt you'd do it again. I too worry deeply that my gf will die, she has to text me every day when she gets to work just so i know shes safe. Its a disproportionate fear and worry, but we live with it and together we are strong. You will find someone that cares deeply and can calm you, reassure and respect you. You'd be surprised how many good women are out there and might quite like the idea of some one with vulnerabilities that they feel empathy and can care deeply for, rather than some skank out for herself with no depth of love, plenty of shallow people out there, but equally many who care too.

 

Plenty of good people will give you support on here growing cannabis and oil for your mum, i hope things go well for you and thanks for sharing mate.

 

Edited June 8, 2019 by theokoles

[stu sleeper 20vt]

Well fuck this thread took a bit of a turn from should I use voodoo juice or not

Good luck guys.

[Guest theokoles]

No different to any other thread then stu mate, especially in the current affairs section

[Lancaster8]

@Hopsarecannabistoo

Have read all the messages on your thread. I understand all your problems, because I am ill too. I have been ill for most of my life and I know how much more difficult life is for us. I hope someone local to you will make contact and give you a hand.  As for paranoia, I think everyone has that when they first start. I used to flinch every time I heard a helicopter - but I'm cool now. Sounds like your neighbours are cool.  Try and stop worrying but just don't talk about it with anyone that you don't have to.  "Loose lips sink ships."  One of my neighbours is a bitch and she hates me. If she could dob me in - she would for sure - but I've been growing for nearly 10 years now and she still doesn't know!  Unfortunately weed doesn't clear my head like it does for you, so you have something positive there. I think my brain was injured years ago when I had a very extreme attack of Bell's Palsy for 5 years and it was like a stroke. Half my face was paralysed and I couldn't even open my eyes properly.  I received no medical attention and was just left to get on with it.  I had zero support and was living in a grotty bedsit.  I have been suffering for about 40 years, and I am very tired, and have been on the brink of suicide etc before.  There's a lot of us with problems.  Be aware that you are not alone, and there are people out there who genuinely care about others.  Good luck Mate.  

[Hopsarecannabistoo]

cheers im just being paranoid i took the temps inside and xcout my grow tent and the grow room is 23 degrees and the shed itself is 17 degrees so im hoping that wont be hot enough to catch the polices interests  

[Grow lady]

On 06/06/2019 at 11:11 PM, Hopsarecannabistoo said:

 

 

no they are both elderly and poorly 

First mistake is telling your next door neighbour big mistake less that know less chance of being caught 

[Stig_Baasvik]

12 hours ago, Grow lady said:

First mistake is telling your next door neighbour big mistake less that know less chance of being caught 

 

 

you’ve replied to a dormant thread I fear.