Popular Post Gerfish Posted December 3, 2016 Popular Post Share Posted December 3, 2016 Hi guys, Back after a break of almost 6 months. The most wretched 6 months of my 55 years. I'm still housebound so this site was an obvious choice to get back in the swing of normality. I went straight to a couple of my favourite forums, and it started to hit me. The mood has changed........ I don't know if anyone has noticed? Maybe my choice of forums was unfortunate? Or maybe its because we all feel a bit edgy with the way world politics is becoming a lot more extreme? Maybe I'm completely wrong. I dont know. What I do know is what kept me going in some of the darkest moments of my life. Herb. "No surprise" I hear you say? I'm not talking about smoking it. I'm talking about growing it. And my commitment to diarying those grows here! Without realising it UK420 had become like a communty to me. I don't know anybody here, I don't have "friends" here, but it's somewhere I'm comfortable. I've always felt good vibes from the people here. And I felt a responsibility to honour my word. Sound ridiculous? There was a period of 3 days, and nights, when I was literally paralysed with pain. My mobile phone was in the next room, but it may as well have been in the next continent. I couldn't even turn to get painkillers from my bedside locker. I don't have the words to convey the sheer terror that kind of pain brings. I've never been so lonely and vulnerable in my entire life. I lost count of the number of times I completely broke and wept uncontrollably. Unable to sleep, the only respite I got was when I would pass out from trying to shift position and get my meds. Had I been able to, I was planning to kill myself. I have legal prescriptions for morpine, opioids, muscle relaxants etc. so it would have been very easy. When I did manage to turn my body, on the 3rd day? I was so dehydrated I couldn't swallow. Unable to walk because I was paralysed from the waist down, I had to drag myself out of bed and along the floor using my arms only. It took 45 minutes and I passed out with pain 3 times before I made it to the kitchen press 4 metres away. As I opened a bottle of water to wash down the pills a strange feeling of guilt hit me. Not guilt about my daughter or grandchildren. I had reconciled myself to the fact that I'd be more of a hindrance than a help to them. I felt gulty about YOU bunch. Yes, you lot. You don't know me except for my actions here. And I didn't want to be forgotten as someone who didn't keep his word. My whole world was shattered in ways, and for reasons, I'll never reveal and all I felt was guilt about that? Then other thoughts crept in. All that time spent locked to my bed, my tent was humming away. Timers clicking heaters and lights on and off helped me mark the passage of time. Any effort to stay positive when I was lucid invariably involved thoughts of future bumper crops of tasty weed. And I'd promised Dinafem Mark I'd do a test diary! I had to have a last look at the plants, so I dragged me and my water back into the bedroom. The return journey wasn't any easier but when I opened the tent it was worth it. The plants looked lovely. Fresh, green, alive, positive, full of promise. Everything I wasn't feeling. There and then I resolved that I'd finish this grow. ONLY this grow. I'd bow out honourably. Bizarre as that statement may seem, it was a first step. A positive step. I drank the water, took some morphine and went back for my mobile phone. That was weeks ago. Harvest is imminent 😁 And my next grow is in advanced planning! Thats a very long winded way of saying, We have a good thing going here. Let's not allow the bad shit from real life ruin it . UK420 matters to people, in many ways. Christmas is nearly upon us, and its a good excuse to take a look at what we are, and why we do what we do. A first step, a positive step. It's the only reason I'm here. Peace out ye bunch of eejits 😉 77 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Superdedupity Posted December 3, 2016 Share Posted December 3, 2016 Happy Christmas to you @@Gerfish and I hope 2017 brings less pain for you 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyBoBandy Posted December 3, 2016 Share Posted December 3, 2016 Positive vibes your way gerfish 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dodgee Posted December 3, 2016 Share Posted December 3, 2016 Sorry to hear how bad you had it for awhile there mate, glad your turning the corner now. Completely agree with your comments regards the community here and the support it provides when times are hard, echoes my own experiences exactly! Sincere best wishes for a happy Christmas and a more comfortable new year in 2017. Take care yrself fella, you ever need to vent or just an ear to bend don't be scared to drop me a pm, plenty of other members will say the same too Bests dodge 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fragg Posted December 3, 2016 Share Posted December 3, 2016 Great post @Gerfishw and totally get the vibe, pain is why I grow too and it's inevitable it will get worse for me too which in itself is depressing but the truth is dope gives me hope cos it helps and can make it bearable Sounds like you've the been through the mill man but sometimes it helps clarify the mind to the important things in life ATB man 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramblingmadman Posted December 3, 2016 Share Posted December 3, 2016 Nice one @@Gerfish , Glad you've got some relief mate. Big up yourself man Ram 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nuttyprof Posted December 3, 2016 Share Posted December 3, 2016 Sorry to hear how you've been feeling @@Gerfish mate, pain can take you to dark places indeed, I'm glad you are feeling more positive now 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madgiz Posted December 3, 2016 Share Posted December 3, 2016 @Gerfish 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 3, 2016 Share Posted December 3, 2016 Get well Gerfish. Get where ypu're coming from mate. I've only ever frequented one other forum and I made some good friends there. Here I'm a lot less active but do value the place a fair bit. I woupd say though chap, don't feel obliged to keep diaries and don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself to do so. Having had a real shitty 6 months myself I totally feel your post and hope the best for you. And myself. Are you likely to see the back of the pains you're dealing with? I do hope so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrrichiet Posted December 3, 2016 Share Posted December 3, 2016 (edited) Nice post\sentiment mate, I'm sure many here feel the same (I do too). I put my back out a few years ago and that was quite an experience. That didn't involve constant pain though (just the mobility issues you describe) so it pains me to think how you must have felt. I'm really glad you got through it and made a post about it . I hope things are looking brighter these days P.S. Who are you calling an eejit?! Feck off ya soppy old git Edited December 3, 2016 by mrrichiet 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gerfish Posted December 3, 2016 Author Share Posted December 3, 2016 See what I mean about a positive vibe? Thanks to EVERYONE who dropped by. Wasn't sure how this post would be received. I needn't have worried. Onwards and upwards.. Speaking of.... I see some very interesting new subbie seeds And there's STILL some Sweet Tooth F2s!! Grab some... Some lovely phenos in there. Delicious fruity flavours and big yields. Yummy 😋 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aurora Ruderalis Posted December 3, 2016 Share Posted December 3, 2016 For me it's forum. Singular. This one. I don't bother with any others. It helps when good folk stick around. The only time the site goes negative is when good folk go stumph. Keep posting... 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bubbly82 Posted December 4, 2016 Share Posted December 4, 2016 Nice post mate, this is the best place for sure!! All the best for 2017 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rabthegrower Posted December 4, 2016 Share Posted December 4, 2016 great post man, sorry to hear you are so unwell. All the best for the future 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest morten arthursson Posted December 4, 2016 Share Posted December 4, 2016 Life and learning. Nice to meet you ATB Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts