Poem i wrote with a nod to Kiplings If

[GeneralDark]

Yeah i wrote this poem last Saturday after my mate gave me a spliff of nice cheese, when i was writing it, it felt a similar poem to Rudyard Kipling's If, i would say If was my inspiration.

I may fiddle and change it not sure yet but would like some feedback on it if possible, dont know much about writing poetry and my punctuation has always been bad due to moving from scotland to england twice and missing a lot of lessons or doing same lessons twice.

My son,

Walk in no mans path , keep your chin up and your head down. if you can afford a smile your just short of a frown.

Tread lightly my friend, but leave enough footprints that some may follow, dont shout the loudest as it may sound the most hollow.

Look forward but keep memories of the past, you will loose photos but memories of the past will always last.

Be humble my friend, its not what you have, its what you havent lost, be generous but always keep one eye on the cost.

Keep your heart and your mind strong as of this world we are not long, hold onto it while you still have it, as soon it may all be gone.

Live fast but make sure you die last, its not always what people say, its what you coukl of asked.

If you know something , you dont know much at all, always learn and never stall, dust your self off when you fall, pick yourself up,

but most of all, be at peace my sister, my brother as just like me you are like no other.

I used to write a lot of lyrics when i was MCing years ago, but i find it harder with no beat.

Hope this is the right place to put this.

Edit i should really put Kiplings If in here as well.

If

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too:

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or being hated don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;

If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same:.

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings,

And never breathe a word about your loss:

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much:

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son!

Rudyard Kipling

Edited March 13, 2013 by GeneralDark

[turnip]

Mate, I think you have a real gift

But , and I'm afraid there is always a but (but ignore it if you like as I tend to be a bit of a dick)

Your poem is as depressing as it is uplifting whilst Kipling's is pure optimisum, in other words go for life and live it whatever it throws at you. But maybe you wanted it to be this way?

[GeneralDark]

Mate, I think you have a real gift

But , and I'm afraid there is always a but (but ignore it if you like as I tend to be a bit of a dick)

Your poem is as depressing as it is uplifting whilst Kipling's is pure optimisum, in other words go for life and live it whatever it throws at you. But maybe you wanted it to be this way?

Its hard to explain how i write, but it just sort of comes out in a flow,that was written in one go start to finish in about 30 mins. why do you think its depressing?

Kiplings If is a true masterpiece.

Yeah i wanted the same uplifting , good advice vibe as kiplings but using slightly more modern wording, i left school at 15 with no qualifications and didnt attend college till 30 when i did a counseling course, so my english skills are not the best.

Edited March 14, 2013 by GeneralDark

[Rock Couch Lock]

Really enjoyed reading your poem mate, If is my favorite poem and I think you've done Rudyard proud.

Look forward to seeing any more you may write