Welcome to UK420

Register now to gain access to all of our features. Once registered and logged in, you will be able to contribute to this site by submitting your own content or replying to existing content. You'll be able to customize your profile, receive reputation points as a reward for submitting content, while also communicating with other members via your own private inbox, plus much more!

This message will be removed once you have signed in.


GreenVision

New Years Day Competition 6.

60 posts in this topic

It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets

5 people like this

Share this post


Link to post

2eb872e5c4278c5abc3eae3868e25c4f.jpg

9 people like this

Share this post


Link to post

d57f3ee16dfea55d053e6622a92b7d6d.jpg

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post

Oldtimers oldtimes is like it used to be in oldtimes,

Sometimes in new times I wish it was oldtimes,

Good times to be had with the oldtimes it's said,

I'm no good at poems give me weed instead!

D

Share this post


Link to post

osted 01 August 2008 - 12:00 PM

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL.

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply plasters to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire brigade to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the hairy little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers, forearm and left eye and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill:

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

7 people like this

Share this post


Link to post

13062235 10207690970926911 7892550793209323539 N

Edited by gpeene
5 people like this

Share this post


Link to post

Phill Mitchell's unbroadcast cadburys creme egg advert, how do you eat yours? lol

5 people like this

Share this post


Link to post

some_heroes_dont_wear_a_cape_they_hold_a

6 people like this

Share this post


Link to post

Can't believe it two birds just shit on my head.

Should've shut the sunroof at that dogging site

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post

8 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post

Thanks GV

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post

hotbox-champion.jpg

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
A politician comes across a magic lamp in his office (like you do) rubs it and out pops the genie.

His first wish was "I would like to be cared for by beautiful women, so the genie granted him his wish, he was instantly surrounded with the ladies in his office.

His second wish was to be on a desert island with with the beautiful women and poof ! He was there.

The politicians third wish was never to do any work ever again!

Shazam! he found himself back in his office.

Edited by nughead
2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.